 A sexless marriage is generally defined as a marital relationship in which the frequency of sexual activity between partners is significantly lower than what is considered typical or expected for that particular relationship or society's norms. While there isn't a universally agreed-upon threshold, it's often described as having sex fewer than 10 times per year. However, what constitutes a sexless marriage can vary depending on individual expectations, cultural norms, and personal circumstances. It's essential to recognize that the definition of a sexless marriage can differ from one couple to another, and what matters most is whether both partners feel satisfied and fulfilled in their relationship.
If you find yourself in a sexless marriage, it's essential to approach the situation with sensitivity, communication, and understanding. Here are some steps you might consider:
Keep in mind that each relationship is distinct, and what may be effective for one couple may not be for another. It is crucial to handle the situation with understanding, respect, and a readiness to cooperate with your partner in order to discover mutually beneficial solutions.
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 Intimacy issues in relationships can arise from various factors, and addressing them requires open communication and understanding. Here are some common reasons for intimacy issues and suggestions on what to do about them:
 There are several reasons why men may shut down when women express how they feel. It could be because they are not used to talking about their emotions and have been conditioned to believe that it is a sign of weakness. They may also struggle with expressing themselves when they are angry, fearing that they might say or do something hurtful. Additionally, men may often feel a sense of failure or inadequacy, and expressing their feelings might make them feel even more vulnerable. Moreover, men often gauge their fulfillment in a relationship based on their partner's happiness, so if you express any dissatisfaction, it can negatively affect their mood and make them withdraw. This can leave you feeling confused, unsure of what he is feeling, and even rejected. When your partner shuts down emotionally, it can trigger various responses in you, such as panic, shutting down yourself, or clinging onto the relationship even tighter. These responses are natural and stem from past experiences. However, it is important to remember that his emotional shutdown is likely about him and not a reflection of you or the relationship. If you notice your partner starting to shut down emotionally, take some time to ground yourself and remember that it is not your fault. Instead, try to approach the situation with understanding and open communication. 1. It's important to keep in mind that we all face challenges from time to time. Instead of panicking, give him the space he needs. 2. Taking care of oneself is crucial. Show your support to him in any way you can but be sure to maintain your self-care as well. 3. Let him know that you care about his well-being and that you're available to talk if he needs it. 4. Encourage him to seek out someone he can trust, even if it's not you. He may find comfort in confiding in a sibling, friend, parent, pastor, therapist, or someone else. 5. Respect his decision if he doesn't want to talk to anyone, but also ask him to consider how he would recognize the right time to reach out for help, even if he currently doesn't feel like it. 6. Remember that expressing concern can be different from expressing worry about his overall well-being. It's important to address both, but make sure not to mix them up. 7. And as always, remember the 3Ts: Timing, Tone, and Tact. Always keep these things in the forefront as you approach him. Ladies, I'm curious to know your thoughts on this matter. Is this a common occurrence in your relationships? How do you perceive your understanding of your partner, and are there any specific areas where you feel you can improve and grow together? Share your insights!  The issue of feeling "touched out" is often overlooked when discussing the experiences of new moms or moms with multiple children. This can create a barrier to intimacy between partners. As a woman, you may be hesitant to hurt your partner's feelings by constantly rejecting their advances. You may even feel anxious when they try to kiss or hug you, fearing that it will lead to expectations of sex.
Motherhood can sometimes leave you emotionally and physically drained, making it difficult to provide love, affection, and physical comfort to others, including your partner. Taking care of a newborn can be incredibly demanding, as they rely on you for everything around the clock. So, how can you cope with feeling "touched out"? First and foremost, it's important to understand why this happens and recognize that it is completely normal for new moms to experience these feelings. Be kind to yourself and show yourself some compassion during this time. If you feel guilty about your negative reaction to your partner's touch, remind yourself that it doesn't reflect how you feel about them, but rather a need for personal space and autonomy over your own body. Secondly, open and honest communication is crucial. Share your feelings with your partner and provide them with some information, such as literature from your doctor, to help them understand the normalcy of what you're going through. This can help reduce defensiveness and foster understanding. Lastly, make an effort to schedule quality time with your partner to maintain an emotional connection. Neglecting physical intimacy can also impact the emotional bond between partners. By setting aside dedicated time for each other, you can nurture your relationship and strengthen your connection. So are you a new mom who is "all touched out"? What's been your experience?  First, let’s explore some of the main reasons why individuals engage in the consumption of pornography.
1. Exploring sexual desires and pleasure: One of the primary motivations for individuals to consume pornography is to indulge in sexual excitement and pleasure. It offers a platform to explore fantasies and engage in sexual stimulation, satisfying their desires. 2. Gaining sexual knowledge: Surprisingly, some individuals turn to pornography as a means of acquiring knowledge about various sexual techniques, positions, and preferences. They perceive it as a source of sexual education, enabling them to broaden their understanding. 3. Escaping negative emotions: For certain individuals, pornography serves as a temporary escape or coping mechanism to deal with stress, anxiety, or other negative emotions. It provides a distraction and offers a way to momentarily alleviate emotional discomfort. 4. Combating boredom: In a world where monotony can easily set in, pornography provides a quick and easily accessible form of entertainment. It offers a momentary thrill and excitement when there is a lack of stimulation in one's daily life. 5. Forming an addictive habit: Similar to any other habit, consuming pornography can become addictive. The constant availability and ease of access can lead to a dependence on it, making it challenging to break away from this habit. Now, let's redirect our attention to the potential harm pornography can cause in relationships. Research consistently demonstrates that pornography can have detrimental effects on relationships. It can result in a decline in relationship quality and an increased likelihood of infidelity. While specific statistics may vary, one thing remains evident: our inherent need for connection and belonging is hindered by consistent consumption of pornography. How does this occur? Pornography possesses the ability to distort our perceptions and expectations of sex, our bodies, and our relationships. For example, while viewing pornographic content, you may question how someone can maintain a particular position for an extended period or recover quickly after ejaculation. This can lead to unrealistic comparisons and dissatisfaction within your own relationship. Rather than engaging in open and honest discussions with your partner regarding your desires and needs, pornography may serve as a substitute. Porn stars are often depicted as adventurous, attractive, and skilled, and they are easily accessible at any time through various devices. In the realm of pornography, there are no boundaries or limitations. Ultimately, relying on pornography as a substitute for genuine connection and communication can weaken the foundation of a healthy relationship. It is crucial to prioritize open dialogue, trust, and intimacy with your partner in order to maintain a strong and fulfilling relationship. To ensure that pornography does not have a negative impact on your relationship, it is important to approach the topic with open communication and understanding. Instead of criticizing or judging your partner, engage in a respectful conversation about their preferences and interests. Listen to what arouses and excites them, and incorporate those elements into your intimate moments. Whether it involves sending seductive photos, exploring each other's bodies, or experimenting with role-playing, be open to new experiences that keep the passion alive. By embracing these strategies, you can strengthen your bond and address any concerns about pornography in a healthy manner. Lastly, it is important to acknowledge that consuming adult content does not always have to be detrimental to your relationship. The main issue often lies in the lack of transparency surrounding its consumption and the possibility of it replacing physical intimacy between partners. However, there are situations where watching adult content together can actually add excitement to your sexual exploration and ultimately improve the quality of your sex life. It can also facilitate discussions about sexual fantasies and help establish boundaries regarding what is acceptable and what is not. The most common problem that arises when couples encounter issues with adult content is the absence of communication and understanding. Therefore, it is crucial to initiate a conversation with your partner about how adult content has negatively affected your relationship, while also considering its potential as a tool. Remember to approach the topic with an open mind, as it does not imply that you have to agree with everything, but rather that you are willing to comprehend your partner's desires and determine if you can fulfill them.  Have you ever wondered what could be blocking the emotional and/or physical intimacy in your relationship? One day, everything seems fine. The both of you are getting along for the most part and enjoying each other's company and then BAM... problems, distance, no sex, or a big argument. You often wonder, "Why do we keep going back and forth like this? What happened from the time we went to bed on Thursday night until the time we woke up on Friday morning?" The feeling sucks and it can be downright confusing and even painful. Well, believe it or not, there may be something lying underneath the surface that you've yet to forgive your partner for or they haven't fully forgiven you of something.
When it comes to intimacy, many couples fail to understand the broad scope of what it entails. When there's lack of forgiveness, intimacy will suffer in some way because it becomes a barrier to closeness. Forgiveness is far deeper than just saying "I'm sorry" and "I won't do it again."It's important to fully understand the level of vulnerability that's required to navigate forgiveness. First, the couple has to recognize the specific wound in the relationship. This means there needs to be some effective communication going on as opposed to not addressing the real issue, "sweeping it under the rug", attacking one another, and/or giving each other the cold shoulder. Second, understanding the true impact of the wound. Many times, the hurt partner is harboring feelings of resentment and not being able to forgive because the other partner continues to go about their day as if the wound isn't that deep. This can appear to the hurt partner that their feelings are invalid or not that important. And third, the couple needs to identify how being transparent about the situation can positively impact their relationship (i.e. encouraging more open dialogue, discussing perspectives, recreating boundaries, etc.) and help them to heal, grow, and move forward. Often times, we are not in tune with ourselves or one another to even recognize that our relationships are lacking forgiveness in some areas. I challenge you to think about some things that might still be a trigger for you or some sort in your relationship. If both of you approach the conversation from a growth mindset as opposed to a fixed one, it's very rare that you'll consistently have challenges with forgiveness.  If there's one thing that can kill intimacy faster than a stray bullet to the head is complacency. Complacency can negatively impact any relationship, specifically in long term relationships. It's amazing how observant, accommodating, and engaged we are in our relationships at the beginning, but as we grow comfortable with each other, we begin to lose sight of that.
Have you ever heard your wife or girlfriend say, "You used to take me out for a romantic dinner once a week, but you stopped doing that"? Or have you heard your husband or boyfriend complain about how frequent and exciting sex was when you first started dating or got married and now he's barely receiving a decent BJ on his birthday? And I hate being stereotypical as it pertains to the sexes so this situation can also be flipped. But all in all, the message I'm trying to convey is some stuff done changed ya'll and it's because you've gotten too complacent. Let's dive into how to turn this around a bit for the better, shall we? 1. Try practicing viewing your partner with a fresh pair of eyes. While it's a great thing to know your partner's likes, dislikes, quirks, and nuances, don't ever get too comfortable and think that you know all there is to know about your partner. When you're willing to see your partner with a fresh pair of eyes, it can keep you on your toes and always willing to explore your partner as they continuously evolve. In a nutshell, go deeper sometimes. 2. Set intimacy goals with one another. Take a look at one of my previous blog entries, New Year, New Intimacy Goals as I expound on this a bit more. If you've been married or in a relationship with someone for a few years and you have yet to discuss what you'd like to achieve in your romantic relationship or you have had this discussion before but you haven't visited this topic in a while, stop what you're doing right now and schedule this discussion with your partner. Not only does it give you something to look forward to, it also becomes a priority, thus leading to you both wanting to succeed at it. 3. Be the change you want to see. You know how you can get a bit cranky when your partner is not giving you what you desire? Well, I'm pretty sure there's an area of your relationship you can also step up in with regards to meeting your partner's needs. Sometimes we forget that we are not the only one who has needs and wants. Our partners do too so begin with being the change you want to see and allow your partner to follow suit. 4. Appreciation can go a loooong way. A simple acknowledgment and/or thank you can do wonders for complacency in a relationship. Try expressing appreciation for how your partner shows up for you in your relationship. Yes, I'm pretty sure there are other areas that can use a serious fine tuning, but don't forget to acknowledge the good. You'd be surprised how a simple "thank you" can encourage your partner to step up in other areas. 5. Hold yourself accountable. Sometimes you just gotta check yourself and say "Hey, I could do better." Don't always look to your partner to have to point out things about yourself. Take the initiative in holding yourself accountable and making the necessary changes. What are some ways complacency has shown up in your relationship? How has it affected the intimacy between you and your partner?  Have you ever really stopped to think about all of the ways women are able to experience intimacy? Whether it's through friendships with other women, the bond that a woman may experience naturally with her children through pregnancy and/or breastfeeding, or women being able to express their emotions without necessarily being called "weak" or "soft". Now on the flip side, think about what intimacy may look like for men. I know crickets right? Society has done quite a bang-up job of not exactly promoting men to be emotional of any kind. They are taught that intimacy is just about sex and getting lots of it. But contrary to popular belief, men appreciate emotional intimacy as well. It may not always be expressed in ways in which women express it but it is still important to them. So when you think about building intimacy with the man in your life, try implementing a few things:
1. Support Believe in your man and if you're having some challenges in this area, take an interest in what he's doing to gain a better understanding of his thought process. Sometimes simply understanding or seeking to understand him can help you support his endeavors. 2. Initiate Compliment your man sometimes, treat him to a nice restaurant or to an activity he enjoys sometimes, flirt with him sometimes, and initiate sex sometimes. Societal norms has conditioned men to be the pursuer in many facets of their life but when you initiate, you are showing your man you desire him as well. So many times, men are waiting for the green light from their woman when it comes to garnering her attention. When you initiate, you are granting him with the "go" signal and he's not left guessing or wondering if you desire him. 3. Hold space for him to be vulnerable For men, vulnerability may not always show up in a plethora of emotions, but if he's telling you he's stressed about work or sharing excitement about a new hobby, that's him being vulnerable so create space for him to share that with you. And if he's done something to really upset you and he admits that he was wrong in doing or saying it, that's him expressing vulnerability too. It's okay to be angry but instead of throwing it back in his face, try to work together on finding a solution and growing through the issue. 4. It's okay for him to say "no" sometimes Again, for so long, the narrative in society has been that men are always ready and willing when it comes to sex. This is not always the case. Stress, health, and tiredness can be just a few things that contribute to men declining sex. Easier said than done but try not to take this personally. Obviously, if it becomes a habit, then further conversation is warranted but allow your man to exercise his right to say "no" as well without it becoming a thing. 5. Reject sex kindly Now if it's you who isn't in the mood, try not to leave him hanging. You can express your reasons for turning down his advances, but offer an alternate time to engage with him sexually and follow through. Rejection can be hard for anyone but when you show up ready and excited next time, it can do wonders. How do you connect with your man emotionally? Are you experiencing some challenges? Do you know how to connect with him emotionally? What are your thoughts?  Intimacy issues don't just appear overnight. Many times, there are various things transpiring in a relationship to get to this point. Here are a few reasons couples are facing intimacy issues:
1. Lack of Communication One thing I see often with couples is wanting their partner to just know and/or understand them without discussing what they need. I get it, you love each other, you share a last name, you share children, you see each other day in and day out, you've been through so much together. Your partner should just know right? Wrong. Express yourself. If there is something between you and your partner you think is an issue or you don't like, don't just walk around with an attitude, schedule some time with one another to discuss your thoughts. It's unfair to you and your partner when you don't speak up. 2. Depression, Anxiety, and/or Other Mental Illnesses If you have ever personally experienced any of these things, then you know it can rear it's ugly head at any given moment. It can also affect our perception of certain issues. This is why it's imperative to be able to talk with a mental health professional to discover the root of any mental health concerns. Sometimes we can be "taking things out" on our partner or holding them accountable for things they have nothing to do with or have control over. Work on tackling those deeper issues so that your intimacy doesn't take a huge hit because of unresolved issues. 3. Resentment, Anger, and/or Mistrust I see this a LOT in relationships. Whether it's one partner who comes and goes as they please without taking into consideration of the other partner's feelings to even infidelity, when these issues have yet to be resolved, resentment, anger and/or mistrust takes a front row seat and intimacy drifts away. 4. Having Children Obviously, children are a result of physical intimacy and sometimes emotional intimacy as well, but they also require a lot of time, attention, energy, and planning. As much as I love the kids, lol they can also be a mood kill due to the many things they require. 5. Other Commitments/Obligations Let's face it. Most people don't live on a secluded island with their partner 24/7, so you will have other commitments that you should probably honor. With that being said, if intimacy with your partner is not prioritized, well then it will eventually disappear. Do any of these issues resonate with you? Do you consistently feel like intimacy is lost in your relationship or marriage? Are you struggling with how to restore that intimacy? What are your thoughts? Be sure to check out The Ultimate 5-Day Intimacy Challenge.  Okay, so I'll just start by saying this. When anyone feels neglected in ANY situation for long periods of time, eventually they will go looking to fulfill that need. Now, the way in which they attempt to fulfill that need depends on various factors, but just know this can become a very alarming place in your marriage or relationship if it is left unnoticed for too long.
For the purpose of this post though, I'll be focusing on when a woman feels neglected in her relationship. Most importantly, the connection begins to fade. This can show up in a multitude of ways: 1. She may have difficulty trusting you because you don't keep her in the loop of what's going on in your life and/or decisions you're making, or you don't do the things you said you would do. 2. She may express her emotions by lashing out, crying often, complaining more frequently, giving you the silent treatment, saying disrespectful things towards you, etc. 3. She may speak negatively about herself because she may feel that she isn't good enough for you. 4. She may feel like she is the only one putting forth effort in your marriage/relationship. 5. She may stop arguing with you all together because she feels like she's exhausted everything she can do. 6. She may begin getting her needs met from another person outside of your marriage/relationship without your knowledge. 7. She may leave the marriage/relationship altogether. These are just a few major tell-tale signs that your wife or girlfriend may be feeling neglected by you. Now, what can you do about it? Communication is key of course so first, let your wife or girlfriend know that you've noticed some changes in your marriage and/or relationship that may be negatively impacting the intimacy between the two of you. Ask her when she is free to discuss the issue. This exhibits an awareness on your part that something is not quite right. This also shows that you're taking initiative to rectify the issues along with inviting her to share her thoughts and feelings. My clients have pretty much memorized this by now because I say it ALL the time and it's my acronym, L.U.V. that has proven to be extremely effective. First, you have to Listen to her thoughts and feelings without saying a word. Just try to process all that she is saying with no judgment. Second, try to Understand where she is coming from. This is a good time to ask clarifying questions so that you can truly grasp what is bothering her at her core. And lastly, Validate her feelings. It's understandable that the things that are bothering her may not impact you in the same way, but create a space for her to feel the way that she feels without diminishing her, encouraging her to feel insecure, and/or blaming her. You'd be amazed how a little LUV can go a long way when a woman is feeling neglected. Women have to FEEL that you care. Yes, you may provide for her financially, keep her out of harm's way, take care of the handiwork around the house, etc. These are all very important things as well. But when you neglect her in the ways mentioned above, this can translate to her that you don't value her. If your marriage/relationship is a priority to you and SHE is a priority to you, take some time to listen to her, understand her, and validate her feelings. And ultimately, practice prioritizing what she desires from you. |
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