Avoiding the Pursuer-Distancer Trap: Why You're Chasing and They're Hiding (and What to Do About It)

Relationships are beautiful, messy, complicated... and sometimes they feel like you're stuck in a weird emotional game of hide-and-seek. One minute, you're desperately trying to get your partner to talk to you ("We need to connect! Let’s talk about our feelings—right now!") and the next, they’re suddenly very interested in reorganizing the garage or falling into a TikTok rabbit hole.

Welcome to the classic pursuer-distancer trap, where one person becomes the emotional bloodhound and the other suddenly develops ninja-like skills for disappearing into emotional fog. If this sounds familiar, don’t worry. You’re not doomed, and no one needs to move into separate caves.

Let’s break it down—with a little humor, a lot of heart, and some coaching/therapist-approved wisdom.


What Exactly Is the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic?

Imagine this:

• One of you wants to talk, connect, figure things out.
• The other wants space, quiet, or is hoping the issue magically dissolves if they just take a nap.

That’s the dance. The more one partner pushes for connection, the more the other pulls away. The more the other pulls away, the more the first one pushes harder. And around and around you go like a carousel of unmet needs and emotional exhaustion.

And here's the kicker: both of you think you're the one trying to save the relationship. Because you are—just in wildly different ways.


Where This Pattern Comes From (Spoiler: It’s Not Just About Dirty Dishes)

This cycle is usually rooted in attachment styles and emotional survival tactics.

• The pursuer is often someone who feels anxious when connection is missing. Think: "Are we okay? Are you mad? Can we talk now? How about now?"
• The distancer is usually someone who protects their inner peace (or sanity) by avoiding potential conflict. Think: "I'm overwhelmed. If I go into the other room and pretend I'm cleaning the vacuum filter, maybe this will blow over."

These responses are learned. No one woke up one day and said, "You know what would spice things up? Avoiding my partner when they need me most!"


Why It Feels So Personal (But Probably Isn't)

Here’s the tragedy: both partners are usually hurting, but their protective instincts look like rejection to the other.

• When you chase, your partner might feel criticized and want to run.
• When they run, you feel abandoned and chase harder.

Ta-da! Now you're starring in your very own emotionally exhausting rom-com.


How to Escape the Trap (Without Smoke Bombs or Emotional Tantrums)

 1. Call It What It Is

 Naming the dynamic helps de-escalate it. Try:

• "I think we’re doing that thing again where I push and you pull away. Let’s try something different."

 It’s not blame—it’s awareness. You’re on the same team (even if it doesn’t always feel like it).

 2. Pursuers: Slow Your Role (Just a Bit)

  Take a breath before diving into deep conversation. Ask yourself: "Is now a good time for them? Am I feeling regulated
  enough to be calm if they're not ready?" Now doesn't this sound familiar? (Hint: The 3Ts: Timing, Tone, & Tact)

  Try journaling, going for a walk, or texting your therapist/coach (you know we love it).

 3. Distancers: Lean In (Just a Little)

You don’t have to share your soul all at once. But practice saying things like:

• "I need a few minutes to think, but I want to talk."
• "I hear you. I'm not sure what I feel yet, but I’m not ignoring you."

Spoiler: Pursuers don’t need a full TED Talk. They just need to know you're emotionally alive.

 4. Use "I Feel" Instead of "You Always"

• "I feel lonely when we don’t talk" > "You never listen to me!
• "I feel overwhelmed when conversations come out of nowhere" > "You’re so dramatic!"

Speaking from the heart, not the defense attorney part of your brain, invites connection.

 5. Schedule Connection (Yes, Like a Meeting)

Counterintuitive? Maybe. Effective? Absolutely. Create intentional space for hard conversations before you're in a spiral.

Have a "check-in night" where you both know what’s coming. Light a candle. Order takeout. Try not to open TikTok.


Final Thought: You’re Not Broken. You’re Just Human.

We all have protection strategies when intimacy feels scary. The key isn’t to change your wiring overnight—it’s to learn how to honor each other’s needs without triggering old wounds.

​If you recognize the pursuer-distancer cycle in your relationship, take heart. You’re not alone. And with a little insight, a lot of compassion, and maybe a few awkward-but-honest conversations, you can step out of the trap and into something much more satisfying: real, mutual, messy, beautiful connection.

Now go hug your distancer. Or text your pursuer. Or at the very least... don’t start this conversation while they’re hangry ;).