For Parents: Supporting a Child with Social Anxiety

 If you’re a parent who sees your child struggling with social anxiety, please know: you are not alone—and neither is   your child. Below are a few tips that helped us, and may help you too.

 1. Listen Without Fixing
 
Sometimes, kids just need a safe place to vent without being told what to do. Instead of rushing in with advice, try:
 “That sounds really hard. I’m here for you. Want to talk more about it?”

 2. Validate Their Experience
 
 Don’t minimize or dismiss their feelings with “you’ll be fine” or “it’s not a big deal.” For them, it is a big deal. Saying,
 “It makes total sense that you feel anxious about that,” can go a long way.

​ 3. Practice Calm Together

     Teach and practice calming strategies before anxiety spikes. Try:

• Deep breathing (4-7-8 method)
• Body scans or grounding exercises
• Short guided meditations (apps like Smiling Mind or Headspace for Kids are great)

 4. Break Social Tasks Into Steps

     Instead of pushing them into overwhelming situations, help them build confidence slowly. For example:

• Step 1: Wave at a classmate.
• Step 2: Say “hi” once a day.
• Step 3: Ask a question during group time.

     Small victories matter.

 5. Model Healthy Self-Talk

 Let them hear you say things like:
 “I’m nervous about this meeting, but I know I can handle it.”
 
  Kids absorb how we handle discomfort and fear.

 6. Consider Professional Support
​
 Therapists who specialize in child anxiety or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be life-changing. Sometimes, just
 a few sessions help kids understand their brains and build coping tools.

​Helpful Resources
Here are some books, apps, and websites that may be helpful:

Books for Parents:
“The Opposite of Worry” by Lawrence Cohen
“Helping Your Anxious Child” by Ronald Rapee
“Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents” by Reid Wilson & Lynn Lyons

Books for Kids:
“What to Do When You Feel Too Shy” by Claire A.B. Freeland
“Hey Warrior” by Karen Young (beautifully explains anxiety to kids)
“The Huge Bag of Worries” by Virginia Ironside

Apps:
Smiling Mind (Free, mindfulness for all ages)
Headspace for Kids
MindShift CBT (especially great for tweens and teens)

Websites:
Child Mind Institute​
GoZen!

Relationships are beautiful, messy, complicated... and sometimes they feel like you're stuck in a weird emotional game of hide-and-seek. One minute, you're desperately trying to get your partner to talk to you ("We need to connect! Let’s talk about our feelings—right now!") and the next, they’re suddenly very interested in reorganizing the garage or falling into a TikTok rabbit hole.

Welcome to the classic pursuer-distancer trap, where one person becomes the emotional bloodhound and the other suddenly develops ninja-like skills for disappearing into emotional fog. If this sounds familiar, don’t worry. You’re not doomed, and no one needs to move into separate caves.

Let’s break it down—with a little humor, a lot of heart, and some coaching/therapist-approved wisdom.


What Exactly Is the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic?

Imagine this:

• One of you wants to talk, connect, figure things out.
• The other wants space, quiet, or is hoping the issue magically dissolves if they just take a nap.

That’s the dance. The more one partner pushes for connection, the more the other pulls away. The more the other pulls away, the more the first one pushes harder. And around and around you go like a carousel of unmet needs and emotional exhaustion.

And here's the kicker: both of you think you're the one trying to save the relationship. Because you are—just in wildly different ways.


Where This Pattern Comes From (Spoiler: It’s Not Just About Dirty Dishes)

This cycle is usually rooted in attachment styles and emotional survival tactics.

• The pursuer is often someone who feels anxious when connection is missing. Think: "Are we okay? Are you mad? Can we talk now? How about now?"
• The distancer is usually someone who protects their inner peace (or sanity) by avoiding potential conflict. Think: "I'm overwhelmed. If I go into the other room and pretend I'm cleaning the vacuum filter, maybe this will blow over."

These responses are learned. No one woke up one day and said, "You know what would spice things up? Avoiding my partner when they need me most!"


Why It Feels So Personal (But Probably Isn't)

Here’s the tragedy: both partners are usually hurting, but their protective instincts look like rejection to the other.

• When you chase, your partner might feel criticized and want to run.
• When they run, you feel abandoned and chase harder.

Ta-da! Now you're starring in your very own emotionally exhausting rom-com.


How to Escape the Trap (Without Smoke Bombs or Emotional Tantrums)

 1. Call It What It Is

 Naming the dynamic helps de-escalate it. Try:

• "I think we’re doing that thing again where I push and you pull away. Let’s try something different."

 It’s not blame—it’s awareness. You’re on the same team (even if it doesn’t always feel like it).

 2. Pursuers: Slow Your Role (Just a Bit)

  Take a breath before diving into deep conversation. Ask yourself: "Is now a good time for them? Am I feeling regulated
  enough to be calm if they're not ready?" Now doesn't this sound familiar? (Hint: The 3Ts: Timing, Tone, & Tact)

  Try journaling, going for a walk, or texting your therapist/coach (you know we love it).

 3. Distancers: Lean In (Just a Little)

You don’t have to share your soul all at once. But practice saying things like:

• "I need a few minutes to think, but I want to talk."
• "I hear you. I'm not sure what I feel yet, but I’m not ignoring you."

Spoiler: Pursuers don’t need a full TED Talk. They just need to know you're emotionally alive.

 4. Use "I Feel" Instead of "You Always"

• "I feel lonely when we don’t talk" > "You never listen to me!
• "I feel overwhelmed when conversations come out of nowhere" > "You’re so dramatic!"

Speaking from the heart, not the defense attorney part of your brain, invites connection.

 5. Schedule Connection (Yes, Like a Meeting)

Counterintuitive? Maybe. Effective? Absolutely. Create intentional space for hard conversations before you're in a spiral.

Have a "check-in night" where you both know what’s coming. Light a candle. Order takeout. Try not to open TikTok.


Final Thought: You’re Not Broken. You’re Just Human.

We all have protection strategies when intimacy feels scary. The key isn’t to change your wiring overnight—it’s to learn how to honor each other’s needs without triggering old wounds.

​If you recognize the pursuer-distancer cycle in your relationship, take heart. You’re not alone. And with a little insight, a lot of compassion, and maybe a few awkward-but-honest conversations, you can step out of the trap and into something much more satisfying: real, mutual, messy, beautiful connection.

Now go hug your distancer. Or text your pursuer. Or at the very least... don’t start this conversation while they’re hangry ;).

In today’s hyper-connected world, social media is often our first stop for inspiration, entertainment, and even validation. We scroll through perfectly curated posts, romantic vacations, sculpted bodies, sensual selfies, and hot takes on love, sex, and relationships. But what if I told you that this daily digital diet is subtly reshaping how we experience desire—and not always in ways that serve us?
As an intimacy coach, I’ve seen firsthand how social media can confuse, amplify, or distort the way people relate to their own wants and needs. Let’s unpack how this plays out and how you can reclaim a more grounded, authentic connection to your desire.

1. The Comparison Trap: Desire vs. Performance
One of the most powerful ways social media impacts our desires is through comparison. We’re constantly exposed to snapshots of other people’s intimacy—glimpses of “hot” relationships, sexual confidence, or sensual self-expression. Over time, we internalize these images and begin to question our own experiences.

• Why don’t I feel that confident in my body?
• Should my relationship look like that?
• Is my desire “normal”?

This is called performative desire—when we think we should want something because we see it celebrated or repeated online. But true desire is messy, nuanced, and deeply personal. If we’re always measuring it against what we see on our screens, we lose touch with our own internal compass.

2. Hyperstimulation and Numbness
Social media also delivers a near-constant stream of stimulation—images, videos, and content designed to catch your attention and trigger quick hits of dopamine. The problem? Over time, our nervous system can become desensitized, making it harder to feel arousal, excitement, or even genuine curiosity in our real-life experiences.
It’s not uncommon for people to report feeling bored, disconnected, or underwhelmed in intimate situations—even when everything on paper seems “right.” One possible reason? They’re unconsciously comparing the organic pace of human connection to the hyper-curated pace of social media.

3. Shame and Disguise
Another subtle danger: social media can reinforce unrealistic expectations about sex, attraction, and connection. When we don’t see our bodies, orientations, preferences, or relationship styles reflected in the mainstream narrative, it can trigger feelings of inadequacy or shame.
Even the #bodypositivity and #sexpositive movements, while empowering in theory, can sometimes create pressure to always be confident, horny, and empowered. If you’re not in that place, it can feel like you’re doing desire “wrong.”

4. Reclaiming Your Inner Desire Voice
So how do you tune out the noise and get back in touch with what you want? Here are a few intimacy-centered practices I recommend:

• Digital Detoxes: Take regular breaks from social media, especially from accounts that make you feel “less than” in your body, relationship, or identity.
• Desire Journaling: Spend a few minutes each day writing about what you're craving—not just sexually, but emotionally, sensually, spiritually.
• Body Awareness: Practice grounding exercises like breathwork, mindful touch, or sensual movement to reconnect with how desire feels in your body, not just in your head.
• Curate with Care: Follow creators and communities that reflect a broad, inclusive, and realistic view of intimacy and relationships.
  
  Desire is a sacred, evolving part of our humanity. Social media can be a tool for connection and discovery—but only if we stay mindful of how it’s influencing us. Ask yourself often: Is this what I truly want? Or is this what I’ve been told to want?​  Come back home to your body. Your truth. Your own definition of intimacy.