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Is Masculinity in Crisis — and How Is That Impacting Your Sex Life?

7/13/2025

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There’s a quiet crisis happening—and it’s not just in boardrooms or barbershops.

It’s happening in bedrooms.

Today’s men are navigating a confusing blend of cultural messages:
  • Be strong, but also sensitive.
  • Lead, but don’t dominate.
  • Be emotionally available, but don’t be too emotional.
  • Always be ready for sex, but never make the first move.

And all of this?
​
It’s creating disconnection, performance pressure, and a deep emotional freeze that’s affecting real intimacy—for men and the people who love them.

Watch the full conversation on YouTube here.

​The Hidden Impact of Conflicted Masculinity

In my work as a therapist and intimacy coach, I’ve seen this pattern over and over:

Men want closeness. They want to feel safe. They want to be seen.
But they were never taught how to express those needs.

​Because vulnerability, softness, and emotional presence were labeled as “weak.”

​So what happens?
  • Sex becomes a performance, not a connection.
  • Emotional intimacy feels foreign or unsafe.
  • Desire fades, not because love is gone—but because pressure, anxiety, and shame have taken its place.

Is Masculinity Evolving or Just… Breaking Down?

Masculinity isn’t inherently toxic. But it is outdated in many forms.

And until we allow masculinity to expand—beyond toughness, stoicism, and sexual conquest—we will continue to see disconnection in relationships.
  • What if strength also looked like emotional honesty?
  • What if leadership in intimacy meant asking, not assuming?
  • What if we allowed men to be both powerful and vulnerable—without ridicule?

​What This Means for Your Sex Life

When we unlearn harmful masculine scripts, we create space for:
  • Real communication
  • Emotional and erotic safety
  • Mutual desire and pleasure
  • More satisfying, connected intimacy

​You deserve a sex life that isn’t ruled by shame, silence, or pressure.
​
You deserve a connection that honors all of who you are—not just the role you’ve been told to play.

​Watch the Full Video + Join the Conversation

I dive deeper into all of this in my latest YouTube video:

Let’s redefine strength. Let’s restore connection.

​Because real intimacy starts when we make space for real humanity. 
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How to Build a Loving Relationship with Your Body

7/6/2025

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Because the longest relationship you'll ever have is with yourself.

When was the last time you looked at your body with appreciation instead of criticism? In a world that profits off our insecurities—selling the next miracle cream, “perfect” body, or quick fix—it’s easy to feel like we’re never quite enough. But the truth is: your body is not a problem to be fixed. It's a relationship to be nurtured.

​Just like in any intimate relationship, building a loving connection with your body takes intention, patience, and care. Whether you’re healing from trauma, working through body image struggles, or simply craving a deeper sense of self-connection, these steps can help you begin a more compassionate and connected journey.

1. Shift the Narrative: From Critique to Curiosity

Instead of asking, “Why do I look like this?” try asking, “What is my body trying to tell me?”

Your body isn’t your enemy—it’s your home. It carries your joy, your heartbreak, your memories, your love. Start by becoming aware of the language you use when you talk about your body and to your body. Replace harsh judgments with compassionate curiosity. For example:
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  • “I hate my thighs” becomes “My thighs are strong and help me move through life.”
  • “I’m so gross” becomes “I’m struggling with how I feel today, and that’s okay.”

2. Reconnect Through Sensation, Not Just Appearance

Often we focus so much on how our body looks that we forget to tune into how it feels. Reconnecting with bodily sensations is a powerful step toward self-intimacy.
​
Try:
  • A slow body scan in the morning, simply noticing how different parts feel—without judgment.
  • Moving in ways that feel good instead of punishing (like dancing in your room, stretching in bed, or walking with music you love).
  • Exploring different textures, temperatures, and touch to understand what your body enjoys.

3. Treat Your Body Like Someone You Love

Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to your body? Probably not.

Start practicing acts of love, not just self-care. Think of your body as a beloved partner: one who deserves rest, pleasure, kindness, and respect.
​
Loving acts might include:
  • Wearing clothes that feel good on your skin—not just ones that “look flattering.”
  • Feeding your body with nourishment and joy (yes, that includes the cookie).
  • Letting your body rest—not only when it’s exhausted, but as a preventative act of love.

4. Heal the Disconnect with Gentle Touch

Touch is a powerful language. If you struggle with body acceptance, even gentle self-touch can feel vulnerable—but it’s also healing.

Start slowly:
  • Apply lotion mindfully, with presence.
  • Place a hand on your heart or belly during times of stress.
  • Try grounding practices like holding your own hand or hugging a pillow as a way of soothing your nervous system.

​Over time, this physical connection sends a message: I am safe in my body. I am allowed to be here.

5. Unfollow, Reframe, and Reclaim

Your environment shapes your body story. Curate your world with intention:
​
  • Unfollow accounts that make you feel inadequate.
  • Seek out diverse bodies and voices that affirm beauty in all forms.
  • Reclaim your mirror. Practice looking at yourself not to critique, but to see—the softness in your eyes, the strength in your stance, the life in your expression.

6. Make It a Daily Dialogue

Like any relationship, this one needs regular check-ins. Here are a few journal prompts to explore:
  • “What do I want to say to my body today?”
  • “How does my body feel when it’s safe, desired, loved?”
  • “What would my body say if it had a voice?”

​Let your answers be raw, tender, messy, or beautiful—whatever they are, they’re yours.
A loving relationship with your body isn’t about reaching some final destination where you always feel amazing. It’s about building trust, showing up consistently, and listening to the quiet messages your body sends. It's about moving from performance to presence.
​
Because when you’re connected to your body, you’re not just surviving—you’re coming home. 

Feel free to check out my most recent video, “How Body Image Affects Intimacy” — where I explore how your relationship with your body directly influences your ability to connect, give, and receive love in intimate relationships. It’s a powerful companion piece to this post!
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When You're Married… But Not Having Sex

6/29/2025

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You're committed. You're building a life together.

But behind closed doors, there's distance. You're not having sex. Like, at all.

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone—and you’re definitely not broken.

I’ve seen just how common this experience is for couples. In fact, it’s something I believe is a silent epidemic—because so many people are living it, but few are talking about it.

In this video, I unpack:
  • What actually counts as a sexless marriage
  • Why it’s happening more than anyone wants to admit
  • The unspoken emotional toll it takes on both partners
  • What to do when physical intimacy is gone—but emotional connection is still there
  • The #1 mistake couples make when trying to “fix it”

Whether it’s been weeks, months, or… well, you’ve stopped counting—this video is a safe, shame-free place to begin the conversation.

Watch the video below to understand what’s going on—and what real healing can look like.

You deserve closeness, connection, and pleasure. It’s not too late to find your way back to each other.

Need support navigating this in your own relationship? Complete my confidential questionnaire so that we can explore more of your needs and desires.
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Signs You’re Ready to Do the Deeper Intimacy Work

6/22/2025

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We all crave intimacy—but the kind that truly nourishes us doesn’t come from surface-level connection. It comes from depth. Vulnerability. Emotional honesty. And for many people, getting to that level of intimacy can feel scary, even overwhelming.

So how do you know when you're truly ready to dive into the deeper work?

​Here are some key signs that you're not just craving connection, but you're also prepared to transform the way you relate—both to others and to yourself.

1. You’re Tired of Surface-Level Relationships

​Whether it’s romantic partners, friendships, or even family dynamics—you’re noticing a pattern of staying in the shallow end. Conversations rarely go beyond logistics, feelings stay unspoken, and you’re left longing for more. If you’ve caught yourself thinking, “There has to be more to this,” that’s a sign you’re ready to explore deeper layers of emotional intimacy.

2. You’re Willing to Be Uncomfortable in Service of Growth

​Real intimacy requires courage. That means being willing to sit with discomfort—whether that’s naming a need, facing a fear, or exploring the stories you’ve inherited about love and connection. If you’re at a place where you’re ready to stretch, even when it’s hard, you're primed for meaningful transformation.

3. You’re More Curious Than Defensive

​When you hear feedback from a partner or loved one, do you shut down—or lean in with curiosity? Readiness for deeper work often shows up in your ability to say, “Tell me more,” instead of, “That’s not true.” If you're asking questions like, “Why do I react that way?” or “What’s really going on beneath the surface?”—you’re opening the door to profound self-awareness.

4. You Crave Emotional Safety, Not Just Chemistry

​It’s easy to confuse attraction with intimacy. But if you’ve started craving a connection where you feel emotionally held, not just physically desired—you’re tuning into a deeper need. This shift shows you're no longer chasing just butterflies; you're pursuing emotional security, attunement, and shared vulnerability.

5. You’re Ready to Let Go of Old Stories

​Many of us carry wounds, beliefs, and narratives from childhood or past relationships that quietly shape the way we connect. If you’re becoming aware of how those old stories show up—and you’re ready to rewrite them—you’re standing at the edge of powerful intimacy work.

6. You Want to Be Truly Seen—and Are Willing to Show Up

​This is the heart of it. Real intimacy begins when we stop performing and start revealing. If you feel a hunger to be deeply known—not just loved for who you could be, but for who you actually are—and you’re willing to let yourself be seen, mess and all, then you’re ready.

7. You Recognize That Intimacy Isn’t Just About Your Partner

​One of the biggest signs you’re ready for the deeper work? You realize this isn’t just about “fixing” your relationship or “changing” your partner. It’s about you—your patterns, your past, your capacity for connection. You're ready to explore your internal world to create a more honest, fulfilling relational life.

Doing the deeper intimacy work isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. It’s about choosing to show up authentically, even when it feels vulnerable. And most importantly, it’s about learning how to love and be loved in a way that feels real, safe, and whole.
​
If you recognize yourself in these signs, know this: you are not broken. You are ready. And your readiness is the first, most beautiful step toward a more intimate and aligned life.
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When Your Partner Shuts Down Emotionally: How to Stay Connected Without Pushing Them Away

6/16/2025

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Emotional withdrawal can be one of the most painful dynamics in a relationship. You're trying to have a meaningful conversation—maybe to resolve conflict, share how you're feeling, or just feel closer—and suddenly, it feels like your partner has emotionally left the room.

They may go quiet. Avoid eye contact. Change the subject. Physically distance themselves. And while their body might be present, their heart and mind feel far away.

It can be lonely. Confusing. Even hurtful.
​
If you’ve experienced this pattern in your relationship, you’re not alone. And while it’s hard, it’s not necessarily a sign that your partner doesn’t care. More often, emotional shutdown is a protective response—not a personal rejection.

​Why Some People Shut Down Emotionally

Emotional shutdown, or what therapists often refer to as withdrawal or stonewalling, is typically a self-protective response to overwhelm. It's a coping mechanism, often formed in early life experiences where vulnerability wasn’t safe, supported, or encouraged.

People who shut down may:
​
  • Fear conflict or disappointing others
  • Feel flooded by strong emotions they don’t know how to express
  • Worry that anything they say will make things worse
  • Not trust that their feelings will be understood or respected
​
In many cases, they’re not trying to hurt you—they’re trying to protect themselves.

​What You Might Be Feeling

If you’re the partner on the receiving end of the shutdown, it can trigger your own feelings of rejection, abandonment, or helplessness. You may start to:
​
  • Raise your voice, trying to get a response
  • Pursue harder, demanding emotional engagement
  • Feel anxious, lonely, or resentful
​
These reactions are understandable—but they often increase the divide rather than close it.
So how do you break the cycle?

How to Respond When Your Partner Shuts Down

1. Regulate Yourself First

It’s difficult to offer emotional safety when you’re feeling activated. Before re-engaging your partner, pause. Breathe.

Ask yourself:

     “What’s coming up for me right now? Am I responding to them—or to my own fear or frustration?”

Grounding yourself emotionally allows you to communicate in a way that invites, rather than pressures, connection.

2. Create Space Without Withdrawing Love

Let your partner know that you're open and available, even if they can’t engage right now:

   “I can see you’re feeling overwhelmed. I want to talk, but we can pause for now and come back to this when you’re ready.”

This communicates that the relationship is still safe and secure—even when there’s distance.

​3. Name the Pattern, Not the Problem

Instead of focusing on the content of the conversation (which can feel threatening), focus on what’s happening between you:

   “I notice that when we talk about difficult things, you sometimes shut down, and I tend to pursue harder. I want to work on that together.”

This shifts the focus from blame to awareness.

4. Build a Reconnection Plan

Reconnection isn’t just about talking again—it’s about restoring emotional safety. You might say:

   “Let’s check in later tonight. I want to understand what you’re feeling, but I know it might take time.”

​Agreeing on a time to revisit the conversation gives both partners a sense of structure and security.

​5. Foster Emotional Safety Over Time

If your partner shuts down often, emotional safety might be missing—or needs strengthening. Focus on:

  • Using gentle tones, especially during tense moments
  • Validating their experience, even when it’s different from yours
  • Avoiding criticism, blame, or ultimatums

When someone feels emotionally safe, they’re more likely to open up—not shut down.

When to Seek Support

If emotional shutdown is frequent and deeply impacting your connection, consider seeking couples therapy. A therapist and/or relationship coach can help:

  • Identify the emotional patterns keeping you stuck
  • Strengthen your communication
  • Create tools for emotional repair and reconnection

No one needs to navigate emotional shutdown alone—especially when it starts to erode intimacy, trust, or the overall health of your relationship.

​Emotional shutdown isn’t the end of connection—but it is a signal that something deeper needs attention. With patience, intention, and emotional safety, many couples can move from disconnection to understanding.

If you’re the one longing for closeness, know this: your desire for deeper connection is valid. And if your partner is the one who struggles to stay emotionally present, that doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. It means there’s space for healing.

The goal isn’t perfection—it’s progress. And it starts with slowing down, softening your approach, and choosing to meet each other with compassion.
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Busted: 7 Myths About Physical Intimacy in Long-Term Relationships

6/7/2025

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Let’s be real: physical intimacy in long-term relationships is one of those things we all assume we should just “know how to do.” After all, you love each other, right? You’ve got history, inside jokes, and a shared Costco membership.

But here’s the thing—intimacy isn’t just about love or logistics. And the longer you're together, the more myths tend to creep in and mess with your expectations, your confidence, and yes, your libido.

​So let’s bust a few myths with humor, honesty, and maybe a gentle nudge to throw away whatever advice your college roommate gave you back in the early 2000s.

Myth #1: If the Spark Fades, Something’s Wrong

Oh, the spark. The thing we’re all supposed to chase forever like it’s hiding under the couch with the lost remote.

Truth: The spark doesn’t disappear, it evolves. Real intimacy deepens over time, but it needs intention. You’re not broken if you're not swinging from chandeliers every Tuesday night. (But also, if you are… I love it and absolutely no judgment.)

​Myth #2: Great Sex Should Always Be Spontaneous

You know what else is spontaneous? Traffic jams. Food poisoning. That doesn’t mean it’s always a good thing.
​
Truth: Scheduled intimacy isn't boring—it's intentional. When life gets full of kids, careers, and chronic fatigue, penciling in connection doesn’t make it less sexy. It makes it more likely to happen.

​Myth #3: Your Partner Should Just Know What You Want

Unless your partner is a licensed mind-reader with a side gig in psychic intimacy... they probably don’t know.
​
Truth: Communication is sexy. Saying “I love when you do that” or “Can we try this?” is way more effective than waiting for them to decode your sighs and side-eyes.

​Myth #4: If You're Not in the Mood, Something’s Wrong With You

Nope. You’re human. Not a 24/7 vending machine of desire.
​
Truth: Low desire is common—especially in long-term relationships. Hormones shift, stress kicks in, and honestly, if you’ve been arguing about who forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer, the mood might take a little break. And that’s okay.

​Myth #5: Physical Intimacy = Sex

Let’s broaden the lens, shall we?
​
Truth: Intimacy is touch, affection, eye contact, and presence. A long hug. A hand on your back in the kitchen. A five-minute slow dance in your pajamas. Physical connection doesn’t always have to lead to “the main event.”

​Myth #6: Passion Should Be Effortless

Remember when you learned to drive? Or tried yoga for the first time? Effort doesn’t make something less meaningful—it makes it intentional.
​
Truth: Intimacy takes effort. But when both partners are invested, effort becomes a form of love. And that is deeply attractive.

​Myth #7: Talking About Physical Intimacy Kills the Mood

Actually, not talking about it kills the mood. Slowly. Over time. With resentment.
​
Truth: Conversations about intimacy build safety, which builds trust, which builds a stronger connection. Vulnerability is hot. So is laughing together when things feel awkward.

​Final Thought: Intimacy Is a Journey, Not a Performance

There’s no gold medal for “Best Long-Term Sexy Couple.” (If there is, no one invited me.) Physical intimacy is about curiosity, compassion, and evolving together. Let go of the myths, and lean into what feels real for you two.
​
And if you’re not sure where to start? Try holding hands. No really--start there.

​Which of these myths have you heard—or believed—in your own relationship? I’d love to hear what resonates with you!

​Want help rekindling that connection with humor, heart, and practical tools? Let’s work together here.
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How Knowing Yourself Helps You Love Others Better

6/1/2025

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Why Self-Awareness is the Foundation of Healthy Relationships
We’ve all heard the phrase “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.” But what does that really mean?
It’s not just about bubble baths, affirmations, or solo travel (though those are great too). At the heart of loving yourself is knowing yourself—and this kind of self-awareness is one of the most powerful tools you can bring into any relationship.
In this blog post, we’ll explore why self-knowledge leads to stronger connections, how it helps prevent common relationship pitfalls, and practical ways to deepen your understanding of you—so you can show up more fully for the people you love.

​What Does “Knowing Yourself” Actually Mean?

Self-awareness isn’t just about knowing your favorite color or Enneagram type. It’s about:
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  • Understanding your emotional triggers
  • Recognizing your attachment style
  • Being aware of your core values and needs
  • Owning your communication patterns
  • Acknowledging your wounds and healing journey
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When you know yourself in these ways, you’re able to navigate conflict more gracefully, ask for what you need without guilt, and offer empathy when your partner (or friend or family member) is struggling.


​​5 Ways Self-Knowledge Makes You a Better Partner (and Human)

  1. You Communicate Instead of Project
    
When you understand your triggers, you're less likely to assume the worst about others.
    Instead of “You’re ignoring me!” you might say, “When I feel distant from you, it brings up old fears. Can we talk?”
    That shift—moving from accusation to vulnerability—is a game-changer in relationships.

2. You Know What You Actually Need
   
Most conflict stems from unmet (and often unspoken) needs. When you know what makes you feel safe, loved, and         valued, you can ask for it clearly—without resentment or shame.
   And here's the bonus: you’re also more likely to honor your partner’s needs without feeling like you're losing yourself.

3. You Take Things Less Personally
   
When you know your story—your wounds, your habits, your inner critic—you stop making everything about you.
    You begin to recognize that other people’s reactions say more about them than about your worth. This creates                 emotional space to stay grounded and compassionate—even during disagreements.

4. You Can Own Your Stuff (And Apologize With Grace)
    
Self-awareness gives you the power to say, “You’re right—I shut down when I feel overwhelmed. I’m working on              that.”
     No defensiveness. No blame game. Just honesty, humility, and a commitment to growth.

5. You Attract (and Sustain) Healthier Relationships
    Knowing yourself helps you set better boundaries, spot red flags sooner, and avoid falling into familiar but toxic              dynamics.
    When you’re rooted in who you are, you stop chasing connection at the expense of your peace—and start building          relationships that are truly nourishing.


​Self-Discovery Isn’t Always Comfortable—But It’s Worth It

Let’s be real: knowing yourself isn’t always pretty. It involves facing uncomfortable truths, unlearning old patterns, and sitting with parts of you that you’d rather ignore.
But every time you choose reflection over reactivity, curiosity over shame, and growth over guilt—you’re investing in every relationship you have.
You don’t need to be perfect to love well.
You just need to be willing to learn, unlearn, and show up with intention.


​Try This: A Quick Self-Reflection Exercise

Take 10 quiet minutes and journal on these prompts:
  • What situations trigger strong emotions in me?
  • What do I need most in close relationships?
  • What beliefs about love did I absorb growing up?
  • When do I feel most connected to others—and why?
These questions can open doors to deeper self-understanding—and deeper connection with others.


​Final Thoughts: Self-Knowledge is a Love Language

The more you know yourself, the more empathy, clarity, and presence you bring to your relationships. It's not about being flawless—it’s about being authentic.
So take time to meet yourself. Learn your patterns. Listen to your inner voice.
Because the best way to love others better... is to start by understanding you.
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From Anxiety to Achievement: My Son’s Inspiring Journey

5/29/2025

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Finding out that my son was going to be the valedictorian of his 8th grade class truly touched my heart. It brought back memories of all those moments when his social anxiety felt so big—when it seemed like it had the steering wheel and he was just trying to hang on. I remembered the times he felt overwhelmed, the struggles with opening up to new people, finding the words to express himself in a way that made him feel seen and heard, and the sheer panic that sometimes came with just the thought of being in a crowd. And yet… look at him now. What a beautiful, brave journey it's been.

I can’t even begin to put into words how proud I am of him. It’s truly been a journey—full of highs, lows, growth, and so much courage. Every single day, he’s evolving—finding his voice, stepping more boldly into who he is, and navigating a world that’s bursting with possibilities, even when it feels overwhelming.

Son, you really are that dude. And like I always tell you, I can so clearly see you standing on countless stages, sharing your brilliance and talking about the latest innovations in digital animation. And then, just as gracefully, I see you stepping off those stages and retreating into your quiet place of peace and reflection—because that’s your rhythm, and it’s beautiful. I rock with you 1000%, always.

I soooo love you son. You are truly the most amazing creation, a beautiful light in this world, and I’m endlessly grateful to be your mom. I can’t wait to see all the incredible things you’ll do and become—I’ll be cheering you on every step of the way.
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 For Parents: Supporting a Child with Social Anxiety

 If you’re a parent who sees your child struggling with social anxiety, please know: you are not alone—and neither is   your child. Below are a few tips that helped us, and may help you too.

 1. Listen Without Fixing
 

Sometimes, kids just need a safe place to vent without being told what to do. Instead of rushing in with advice, try:
 “That sounds really hard. I’m here for you. Want to talk more about it?”

 2. Validate Their Experience
 

 Don’t minimize or dismiss their feelings with “you’ll be fine” or “it’s not a big deal.” For them, it is a big deal. Saying,
 “It makes total sense that you feel anxious about that,” can go a long way.

​ 3. Practice Calm Together

     Teach and practice calming strategies before anxiety spikes. Try:
  • Deep breathing (4-7-8 method)
  • Body scans or grounding exercises
  • Short guided meditations (apps like Smiling Mind or Headspace for Kids are great)

 4. Break Social Tasks Into Steps

     
Instead of pushing them into overwhelming situations, help them build confidence slowly. For example:
  • Step 1: Wave at a classmate.
  • Step 2: Say “hi” once a day.
  • Step 3: Ask a question during group time.

     Small victories matter.

 5. Model Healthy Self-Talk

 Let them hear you say things like:
 “I’m nervous about this meeting, but I know I can handle it.”
 
  Kids absorb how we handle discomfort and fear.

 6. Consider Professional Support
​
 
Therapists who specialize in child anxiety or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be life-changing. Sometimes, just
 a few sessions help kids understand their brains and build coping tools.
​Helpful Resources
Here are some books, apps, and websites that may be helpful:

Books for Parents:
“The Opposite of Worry”
by Lawrence Cohen
“Helping Your Anxious Child” by Ronald Rapee
“Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents” by Reid Wilson & Lynn Lyons

Books for Kids:
“What to Do When You Feel Too Shy”
by Claire A.B. Freeland
“Hey Warrior” by Karen Young (beautifully explains anxiety to kids)
“The Huge Bag of Worries” by Virginia Ironside

Apps:
Smiling Mind (Free, mindfulness for all ages)
Headspace for Kids
MindShift CBT (especially great for tweens and teens)

Websites:
Child Mind Institute​
GoZen!
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Avoiding the Pursuer-Distancer Trap: Why You're Chasing and They're Hiding (and What to Do About It)

5/25/2025

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Relationships are beautiful, messy, complicated... and sometimes they feel like you're stuck in a weird emotional game of hide-and-seek. One minute, you're desperately trying to get your partner to talk to you ("We need to connect! Let’s talk about our feelings—right now!") and the next, they’re suddenly very interested in reorganizing the garage or falling into a TikTok rabbit hole.

Welcome to the classic pursuer-distancer trap, where one person becomes the emotional bloodhound and the other suddenly develops ninja-like skills for disappearing into emotional fog. If this sounds familiar, don’t worry. You’re not doomed, and no one needs to move into separate caves.

Let’s break it down—with a little humor, a lot of heart, and some coaching/therapist-approved wisdom.


What Exactly Is the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic?

Imagine this:
  • One of you wants to talk, connect, figure things out.
  • The other wants space, quiet, or is hoping the issue magically dissolves if they just take a nap.

That’s the dance. The more one partner pushes for connection, the more the other pulls away. The more the other pulls away, the more the first one pushes harder. And around and around you go like a carousel of unmet needs and emotional exhaustion.

And here's the kicker: both of you think you're the one trying to save the relationship. Because you are—just in wildly different ways.


Where This Pattern Comes From (Spoiler: It’s Not Just About Dirty Dishes)

This cycle is usually rooted in attachment styles and emotional survival tactics.
  • The pursuer is often someone who feels anxious when connection is missing. Think: "Are we okay? Are you mad? Can we talk now? How about now?"
  • The distancer is usually someone who protects their inner peace (or sanity) by avoiding potential conflict. Think: "I'm overwhelmed. If I go into the other room and pretend I'm cleaning the vacuum filter, maybe this will blow over."

These responses are learned. No one woke up one day and said, "You know what would spice things up? Avoiding my partner when they need me most!"


Why It Feels So Personal (But Probably Isn't)

Here’s the tragedy: both partners are usually hurting, but their protective instincts look like rejection to the other.
  • When you chase, your partner might feel criticized and want to run.
  • When they run, you feel abandoned and chase harder.

Ta-da! Now you're starring in your very own emotionally exhausting rom-com.


How to Escape the Trap (Without Smoke Bombs or Emotional Tantrums)

 1. Call It What It Is

 Naming the dynamic helps de-escalate it. Try:
  • "I think we’re doing that thing again where I push and you pull away. Let’s try something different."

 It’s not blame—it’s awareness. You’re on the same team (even if it doesn’t always feel like it).

 2. Pursuers: Slow Your Role (Just a Bit)

  Take a breath before diving into deep conversation. Ask yourself: "Is now a good time for them? Am I feeling regulated
  enough to be calm if they're not ready?"
Now doesn't this sound familiar? (Hint: The 3Ts: Timing, Tone, & Tact)

  Try journaling, going for a walk, or texting your therapist/coach (you know we love it).

 3. Distancers: Lean In (Just a Little)

You don’t have to share your soul all at once. But practice saying things like:

  • "I need a few minutes to think, but I want to talk."
  • "I hear you. I'm not sure what I feel yet, but I’m not ignoring you."

Spoiler: Pursuers don’t need a full TED Talk. They just need to know you're emotionally alive.

 4. Use "I Feel" Instead of "You Always"

  • "I feel lonely when we don’t talk" > "You never listen to me!
  • "I feel overwhelmed when conversations come out of nowhere" > "You’re so dramatic!"

Speaking from the heart, not the defense attorney part of your brain, invites connection.

 5. Schedule Connection (Yes, Like a Meeting)

Counterintuitive? Maybe. Effective? Absolutely. Create intentional space for hard conversations before you're in a spiral.

Have a "check-in night" where you both know what’s coming. Light a candle. Order takeout. Try not to open TikTok.


Final Thought: You’re Not Broken. You’re Just Human.

We all have protection strategies when intimacy feels scary. The key isn’t to change your wiring overnight—it’s to learn how to honor each other’s needs without triggering old wounds.

​If you recognize the pursuer-distancer cycle in your relationship, take heart. You’re not alone. And with a little insight, a lot of compassion, and maybe a few awkward-but-honest conversations, you can step out of the trap and into something much more satisfying: real, mutual, messy, beautiful connection.

Now go hug your distancer. Or text your pursuer. Or at the very least... don’t start this conversation while they’re hangry ;).
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How Social Media Shapes (and Warps) Our Desires

5/18/2025

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In today’s hyper-connected world, social media is often our first stop for inspiration, entertainment, and even validation. We scroll through perfectly curated posts, romantic vacations, sculpted bodies, sensual selfies, and hot takes on love, sex, and relationships. But what if I told you that this daily digital diet is subtly reshaping how we experience desire—and not always in ways that serve us?
As an intimacy coach, I’ve seen firsthand how social media can confuse, amplify, or distort the way people relate to their own wants and needs. Let’s unpack how this plays out and how you can reclaim a more grounded, authentic connection to your desire.

1. The Comparison Trap: Desire vs. Performance

One of the most powerful ways social media impacts our desires is through comparison. We’re constantly exposed to snapshots of other people’s intimacy—glimpses of “hot” relationships, sexual confidence, or sensual self-expression. Over time, we internalize these images and begin to question our own experiences.
  • Why don’t I feel that confident in my body?
  • Should my relationship look like that?
  • Is my desire “normal”?
This is called performative desire—when we think we should want something because we see it celebrated or repeated online. But true desire is messy, nuanced, and deeply personal. If we’re always measuring it against what we see on our screens, we lose touch with our own internal compass.

2. Hyperstimulation and Numbness

Social media also delivers a near-constant stream of stimulation—images, videos, and content designed to catch your attention and trigger quick hits of dopamine. The problem? Over time, our nervous system can become desensitized, making it harder to feel arousal, excitement, or even genuine curiosity in our real-life experiences.
It’s not uncommon for people to report feeling bored, disconnected, or underwhelmed in intimate situations—even when everything on paper seems “right.” One possible reason? They’re unconsciously comparing the organic pace of human connection to the hyper-curated pace of social media.

3. Shame and Disguise
Another subtle danger: social media can reinforce unrealistic expectations about sex, attraction, and connection. When we don’t see our bodies, orientations, preferences, or relationship styles reflected in the mainstream narrative, it can trigger feelings of inadequacy or shame.

Even the #bodypositivity and #sexpositive movements, while empowering in theory, can sometimes create pressure to always be confident, horny, and empowered. If you’re not in that place, it can feel like you’re doing desire “wrong.”

4. Reclaiming Your Inner Desire Voice

So how do you tune out the noise and get back in touch with what you want? Here are a few intimacy-centered practices I recommend:
  • Digital Detoxes: Take regular breaks from social media, especially from accounts that make you feel “less than” in your body, relationship, or identity.
  • Desire Journaling: Spend a few minutes each day writing about what you're craving—not just sexually, but emotionally, sensually, spiritually.
  • Body Awareness: Practice grounding exercises like breathwork, mindful touch, or sensual movement to reconnect with how desire feels in your body, not just in your head.
  • Curate with Care: Follow creators and communities that reflect a broad, inclusive, and realistic view of intimacy and relationships.

    Desire is a sacred, evolving part of our humanity. Social media can be a tool for connection and discovery—but only if we stay mindful of how it’s influencing us. Ask yourself often: Is this what I truly want? Or is this what I’ve been told to want?​  Come back home to your body. Your truth. Your own definition of intimacy.
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