I think I've been in a season of facing my fears lately because all of the signs continue to point to me making decisions that are out of my comfort zone. With regards to my recent Father's Day blog entry, I decided to really take inventory of that area of my life and take action.
It's funny how I would see and talk to my father often but still not work up enough nerve to ask him why he never apologized for the past or even express to him how his absence affected me. In my effort to move on and understand my him, I thought I was responding in the most appropriate way by not dredging up the past. But, the interesting thing about trauma or things that rock your foundation to its core is that, no matter how much work you do on yourself, there will always be triggers in your life that will bring those past hurts to the surface. You can either ignore them or face them head on. So after I blogged about Father's Day, it hit me that there was no reason at this point in time to not address my feelings with my dad. We had both grown and our relationship had grown too and there was no need for me to feel rejected or dismissed by my dad. Even if he had exhibited those actions when we talked, I had to prepare myself to release all expectations and desired outcomes and just express what had been bothering me all those years.
Needless to say, our conversation went very well. I think I provided a healthy balance of truth but it was shared in love and thankfully how I felt didn't fall on deaf ears. My dad not only listened to me but he said those two very precious words, "I'm sorry." The reason this was so important to me is because many times when you confront someone about how they've inflicted hurt upon you, it's not always received well and the other party may respond in a way in which they feel they are being attacked. My dad didn't do that at all and in all my life, I never heard so much sincerity in his voice. I felt his love, compassion and his heartfelt apology through the phone and that was all I needed.
So what now? Both of us have agreed to continue to work on our relationship and my dad said he was so appreciative of me being honest with him because he truly didn't know that I still held on to some of that hurt and he apologized for that as well.
Writing has always been my friend and has helped me sort through so many things in my life and this situation was no different. My spirits are up right now because for so long, talking to my dad and reliving the past was a fear of mine, but I'm really glad I conquered that fear and it was just an added bonus that my dad helped ease that fear.